mz_d0rkabl3's Xanga

it was raining

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 00:36:47 GMT

It was one of those perfect grey rainy days where you can't tell if it is 8 in the morning or 5 in the evening at any given time. One of those days where I might as well not have gone to class as I spent the whole day dreamily lookng outside, counting the rain splatters on the windows.

Nothing special happened that afternoon, nothing particularly exciting. We were just sitting there on the couches at the library. You pulled me closer to wrap your arms around me as you stared intently at the screen on your DS. What is it with boys and video games anyways? I pulled away a little hoping you would pay more attention to me, and once again you wrapped your arms around me and resumed to playing your game. Neither of us had much to say at the moment I suppose, but I felt like we should be talking or doing something. The silence frightens me because it allows all my thoughts to settle, all my fears to resurface. You mumbled something about the plotline of the game and explained some strategy plan to me - information completely lost on me. All I heard was "mumble mumble and then you... more mumble mumble mumble" and the steady ba-bum rhythm of your heart
ba-bum.. he loves me.. ba-bum.. he loves me not
I stretched out on the rectangular couch and found your tummy a comfortable place to rest my head. You twirled a strand of my hair between your fingers, a habit I find annoying because it really messes up my hair - but today I was too tired to care.I turned on my side to face you and lost all sense of time as I drifted off to sleep listening to the muffled gurgle of your stomach digesting lunch. You finally put down your beloved video game. I don't know how long I slept for that day, maybe 45 minutes - but for that whole 45 minutes you sat there playing with my hair and watching me sleep, like a child mesmerized by the bubbles rising in his soda, like some kind of guardian.
And I guess at those moments, fear and insecurities don't matter anymore. Our hearts were too filled with warm syrup and love. These are the moments that makes you and I us.

As I said, it was a rainyday. Nothing special happened... nothing at all.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race...

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 02:31:03 GMT

When I was a child, I wanted to become a teenager as fast as I could, so I can do "grown-up things", which at age 6 meant shopping by myself and finding prince charming.
When I became a teenager, I wanted to become an adult as fast as I could to get away from high-school drama. I wanted to pursue my career and declare my independence... still looking for prince charming.
Now at age 19, I'm well on my way of "growing-up" but I don't want to be here anymore. I want to revert back to a comfortable childhood of afternoon naps and crayons and apple juice.

This isn't the picturesque early adulthood I had imagined. In many ways, life right now is better but also worse. I enjoy the freedom that comes with age, but I almost feel like I have no time to enjoy this freedom. Between school and work, I feel like I'm growing up too fast. Declare my major? Heck I don't even know what I want for dinner tonight, how am I supposed to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life?
Did I skip over the most carefree parts of my life by wanting to grow up too fast?

An hour ago, I wanted to fast-forward now. I wanted to be done with my degree, successful, and moved out with the love of my life. If only life was like the movie "Click".
But after reading a post "I Don't Know How To Live Without You" on datingish, I changed my mind.

I decided that at 19 I still have (almost) all the time in the world, so why am I wanting to rush into everything? Maybe it's because I'm not a person of great patience, or maybe because our society today puts too much stress on instant gratification (instant oatmeal, instant dinner, instant coffee, wi fi internet... okay not really about the internet because I love xanga).
Being done with my degree right now would be nice, but I would have to also handle the pressures and responsibilities of holding down a job and paying bills. Being able to move in with him right now would be nice, but it means that we'd skip over all the other fun parts of the relationship, like talking everynight on the phone, anticipations of seeing each other next, long goodbyes, love letters, love emails, love text messages (?), and the anticipation of our future together.
Realistically, no couples stay in the honeymoon phase forever, but I want to make the best memories while we're still here. Perhaps it is inevitable that love changes. I don't think our love now is going to be the same in 10 years (at least I hope not). I hope that in 10 years time, our love will grow stronger, deeper, and we'll both find ourselves and who we want to be with support from each other.

But for now, I want to make memories because I won't stay this age forever, we won't stay like this forever. I want to be able to look back and laugh about the good times instead of remembering how I miserably tried to fast forward life. I want to make decisions when I'm good and ready but enjoy life in the meanwhile.

If I learned anything from reading the post was this: don't rush into things.
Things change, Directions change, Life changes.. but all in it's own time.

So take a deep breath..
and let things flow, like river, like raindrops sliding off window panes,
slow and steady wins the race

Our Deepest Fear

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 07:06:15 GMT

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves,
Who am I to be brilliant,
                                  gorgeous,
                                                talented,
                                                               fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
...As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

- Marianne W

The Forgottens

dusty hearts lay asleep
in silence, a
                   t
                    t
                     i
                            c
of memories
awaken before dawn to
explore
restore (?)
the implorations of a forgotten he[art]

here, lies the ocean of b.r.o.k.e.n dreams
sally never did get to sell seashells
by the seashore
before being swept a w a y
by t d s....
i e

childplay was so much simpler
with the pretense of love,
innocence,
(but this) was never a game
i could afford to lose
just like love
was never a game
(i can afford) to play

but b~r~a~i~d me a story
from pixie dust and dew
full of hot chocolate and fuzzy feelings
into a single strand &
call it [the] truth

whisper me secrets,
cross my heart & hope to die
i swear it, lest it be forgotten
by tomorrow's light

I Want OUT!

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 06:53:06 GMT

I'm Out of time.
I can't just wait here forever...
So, might as well start changes now?

I'm burning out and the semester is just beginning.

I love my co-workers but I can't stand the hours. Optimal Scheduling they call it. Being available for 18 hours and working minimal of 12 hours. For me as a full time student, it's hard to balance work with school and also have a life.

Time off is one thing I can no longer seem to afford.

I want out

?

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 09:11:25 GMT

Fights & Arguments & Tears & Smudged mascara & Make up kisses & Late nIght heart calLs & Hugs & Caressing of hair & HOlding hands & HaVing Fun & Playful strugglEs & RUnnIng away & FalliNg back & Whispers of swEEt nothings & TangleD bodies & Gasping for air & Intertwining of fingers & Breathless "iloveyoU(s)"

Love is...

You, I, and a careless mixture of everything else we worry about

angel re-arranged

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 06:33:01 GMT

Tell me am I ever gonna find my angel this life?
I've got him on my mind again,
& though I've searched, I never win.

Tell me am I ever gonna find my angel this life?
I'm throwing most of my hope aside,
but still praying I'll be found in time...

Extra, Extra this just in:
I've been living a lie from the beginning.
I told myself "No no one else",
Now I can't help laughing at this life that I am living.

If you could take this pain away,
My tears are streaming oceans on my face,
No more ~~dreaming~~ yesterday is yesterday.

Any other day, any other time and place,
You'd still be on my mind.
But now I'm letting go, won't be taking this no more,
I'd just be wasting my time

It's been weeks, still I"m here
wishing, waiting, wanting more - what he said he would give me [?]
Now the nights turned today, carved in words
Displayed, Framed
"I vow to you I'm ready".

Time goes by,
Slowly love dies,
Inside my soul cries,
I'm holding on by breathing.
I know my heart fought but it's not caught
I'm letting go, I'm leaving.
If you could take all my pain away,
My tears are streaming oceans on my face,

.....No more ~~dreaming~~ Yesterday is Yesterday

heart murmurs

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 04:23:56 GMT

Stabbing around at my dinner plate of steamed green beans, typing this post, and choking back tears while I chew so I don't inhale food particles by accident - hows that for multi-tasking?

I can't put my finger on it... this dull murmur, this different kind of pain. Can I even call it pain to begin with? Like a whisper of sadness that rises from the pits of my stomach, travelling up my throat, then back down to my heart. A feeling of suffocation - pressure in my chest, knots in my stomach.
Helpless is the word I believe.
Helpless to do anything for the one person I love and care about.

I wish it was me - I would rather it be me because it would hurt a lot less... this unexplainable heartache, guilt eating me up inside. This different kind of pain that rises in my chest everytime I take a breath and slowly dissolves as I breathe out, how can I describe it? Like my own heart is breaking, tears welling up deep within me but never making it out.

It's so tempting to search for some sort of release... because any type of physical pain is better than this - than this dull murmur, than this different kind of hurt. But this isn't about me, it's about you.
And since I can't take the pain away, I can't fix everything...
then I can only hurt with you so you won't feel alone.

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are.
I had to find you, tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy
But no one ever said it would be this hard

Summer Love 2009

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 17:37:37 GMT

because I can't wait to fall in love with you

Arms of an Angel

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 06:52:18 GMT

Spend all your time waiting

for that second chance

For the ~~break~~ that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
& it's hard at the end of the day...
I need some distraction,

oh beautiful release

Memories seep from my veins.
They may be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an Angel...
fly a w a y from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel,

may you find some comfort here...

Breathee

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 04:16:09 GMT

all we do is make up
then break up
why dont we wake up and see?
when love hurts
it won't work

...maybe we need some time alone
we need to let it breathe